Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This is the high leading the old right now
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
