this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
