Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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