genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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