dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This is the high leading the old right now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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