apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
