Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize