i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
