Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I could make wine with my vomit
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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