John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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