some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
