My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Is it penis luge time yet?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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