she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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