I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
