Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
