I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
