My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
