I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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