Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
