I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize