am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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