um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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