Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
