Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
