when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
