Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
