I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
high people should be assigned attendants
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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