Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
