my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
