My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
