is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
