NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
