I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
