I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
