In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
