The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
