i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
