Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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