i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
