what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize