My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
