U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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