Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
