I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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