They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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