Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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