i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
