Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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