haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
