shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i can't believe i had my finger in that
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
