Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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