you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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