I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
