my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
