I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
