the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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