Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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