Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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