Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
