hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
