Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
