Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
