Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize