just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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