dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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